Classic Ass #005: Feeling Homeless

After having a rough week, month, YEAR; I decided to just have some warm, soothing tea to accompany my sad, cold soul. I heart tea.

I scrummage through our cabinet (not just any cabinet, a METAL cabinet), and lo and behold, COFFEE. I thought, "Coffee sounds really good right now." With a huge grin on my face, I take the box off the shelf.

The label reads CAPPUCINO, but the rest of the box is in Chinese. The foreign Chinese characters should've been my first sign to stick to my tea. (I only know the basics; apparently I flunked out of Chinese school due to my tardiness; totally due to my family's lateness, not me!). But, I'm Asian, so crazy lines and shapes don't scare me!

My mom and sister are coffee lovers. But, my mom is hardcore. She pretty much drinks it straight up with very little sugar; but sometimes, her sweet tooth gets the best of her and she mixes in some condense milk or milk/sugar or cream/sugar. Excitedly, I get the water going on the stove, I grab my cup, spoon and marshmallow (yes, marshies are for chocolate milk, but I don't care! Not today anyways!).

Now, my second warning should've been the realization that this is INSTANT 'Cappucino' mix.

Any of you know any good, delicious instant coffee mixes!? I do! There's so many that's it's ridiculous! Is it good for you? Probably not, but it doesn't matter! It's coffee!!

The water is boiling hot by now, so I shut off the fire, pour half a cup of water into my cup, take out a package mix, rip it open and pour the contents in. I watched as the contents slowly melt and dissolve until it reaches its desired equilibrium. Mmm, coffee. Fresh (pretend fresh) coffee. I pour in the rest of the water and begin to stir the mix. I tasted the coffee, and it's kind of bland. "Do I need to put other stuff in it?," I wonder.

Stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, sip, stir stir stirstirstir sip. Hmmm, this tastes o-k. Coffee drinkers, you know you have to sniff your 'fresh' brewed coffee because hot coffee smells good!! There's just something comforting about hot coffee.

I tilt my head down and sniff, sip. Sip, sniff. "Hmmmm, what's that weird smell." Sip, sniff, sniff sniff. "There, that weird smell again; it smells familiar." Sniff sniff sniff sniiiiiiifff, sniff sniff. sniff.

"GROSS!!!!!!!"

I toss the coffee down the drain and made myself a Folger's instant coffee with condensed milk and marshmallow.

Can you guess what it smelled like??

PEE. Not just any pee. Not the kind where you drank so much coffee that your pee smells like coffee. Not the kind from your pet hamster because you're too lazy to clean the cage. It smells like the kind where you walk passed a homeless person and you can't help but smell the urine on him because the stench somehow creeps through your nostrils and fills your nasal cavity even though you hold your breathe.

So there you have it folks. I drank pee coffee.