Pheromones

There is a new infomercial fad going around that people are slowly noticing. Chemical sexual stimulants are the new “it” thing to push, promote, and make a dollar off of. We have all seen the commercials with Smilin’ Bob of Enzyte, and the almost uncomfortable situations that the Cialis commercials put us in. At first, “natural male enhancement” was the thing. Now, its no longer that type of enhancement companies are pushing us towards. Now, it’s pheromone enhancement.

Most people have heard of pheromones. A pheromone is a chemical that triggers a natural behavioral response in another member of the same species. There are many types of pheromones. There are alarm pheromones, territorial pheromones, trail pheromones, even calming pheromones. Believe it or not, the studies (both controlled and not) that show that female menstrual cycles align when there are multiple women who spend extended periods of time together, come from the releasing of pheromones.

But, of course, the ones that the marketers are trying to capitalize on are sex pheromones. According to the infomercials, and apparently scientific study, an organ three inches in the nose called the vomeronasal organ detects pheromones and sends a sexual response signal to the brain. There are many products, such as Pherlure, that advertise that their product enhance these signals and increase the amount of pheromones, leading to a higher probably of intimate contact.

Being the fully confident, unabashed male I am, and in a service to Wasabisoft and its researches (patents, loans, actual experiments still pending), I decided to order Pherlure and try it out. Last night, donned in my finest pimp gear, with some sprayed on pheromones, I went to a local bar known to be frequented by students of the college variety. After walking in and sitting down at the bar, I started to notice the strangest thing.

Women were looking at me… and smiling!

I thought, “Wow, this stuff must work.” So, I sat there, played it cool, and decided I would scope the room for the perfect girl to “spit game” at. As I was looking around, I also started to notice that the guys were looking at me too and smiling. Now, my dangle don’t dangle for other dangles., so I was a little freaked out by the looks I was getting. I shook off the weird vibes and found my girl. I tried one of my favorite pick up lines; “Should I buy you a drink or just give you the money?” Depending on the girl, it can get a laugh, or get a slap. This time, it was unfortunately the latter. Oddly enough, she walked away laughing, so I just figured she got the joke late. I decided that it wasn’t the pheromones that time that failed, it was the line.

So, I found another girl. I dropped another one of my favorite lines; “You know, there are a thousand great guys out there, but only a few of us aren’t gay.” Usually a sure fire winner, but this time, I got a disgusted look and she left me. I figured, one more try and then I’m out of there.

I found one that girl and delivered one of the best lines in my back pocket: “Did YOU invite all of these people? I thought it was going to be just the two of us.” I was smooth, charming, just a perfect delivery of the line. She busted out laughing. Yes! I’m in. I thought about the follow up, should I go with more comedy? Should I just introduce myself? Just as I was about to open my mouth, she said…

“You smell like a camel’s ass.”

“What?”

“You smell like a camel’s ass. I smelled you the second you walked into a bar. You out smelled the cigars, beer and drunk in here!”

I left and went home.

So, what did my research come to? Apparently, pheromones smell like camel ass.

You’re welcome.