Random Facts (1/19) - Nobody knew what a water chestnut was until we wrapped it in bacon.
Every Saturday, one of us (probably just me at first, but maybe I can convince the others to join in sooner, riiiight?) will post a blog post from our past in order to let you really get to know us... and laugh at us. Seeing how winter is right around the corner, I have the perfect post for you. Without further ado, I present, The Boring Olympics.
That's right. I said it. The Olympics are hella boring. The same thing every four years. Well, My I3D professor and a few of us have come up with ideas to make the Olympics much more entertaining. If you don't like these ideas... well too freaking bad. They are awesome, as are we. We are great. Now, on with the suggestions.
First off, the luge. They should have 4 starting points that merge about 1/5th the way down. As if that wasn't enough, hockey sticks should be given to the luggers to fend off the others when they all meet. Said sticks could be fastened to the side of the luge and easily detachable to beat the living shit out of their competitors. Also, on the way to the finish line, the competitors must collect as many flags as possible.
Let's jump ahead a little bit to the closing ceremonies. This one is more interesting anyway. First they have the main reception for the winners. Gold is happy, Silver is excited, and Bronze... well bronze sucks anyway and he's disappointed in his inability to preform. He probably feels like an impotent man on valentines day or quite possibly his anniversary. Oh hell, how he feels anytime his wife is aroused and is disappointed by this limply hanging dick. Anyway, you get the point, bronze is a limp wiener (get it? wiener, winner? hahaha) *ahem* So anyway, that's going on and everyone who's there is yawning. Meanwhile, the real show is across the street in a roman era colosseum. The losers are brought into the center of the colosseum and everyone is cheering. They think it's because, even though they lost, they gave it their best. But this is the cool, fun, and hip Olympics Obviously, they are cheering because the gates holding back the lions were just opened. Well, it would be boring to just watch them run away in fear right? Of course. So to toy with their emotions, the lions are wearing gold medals. It's so much more interesting to see them die trying to get what they've worked their whole life for isn't it? Did I mention that they were thrown a losers celebration before hand where they get drunk off their ass?
You only get one chance to be a winner in THESE Olympics. No trying again in four years. As Yoda would say, "Do or do not. There is no try."
Now, back to the events. Next we'll take a look at curling. Let's watch two guys brush a path for a disk to travel over ice to land it in a radial target. Yawn yawn.... You know what that disk looks like it should be? Give up? Let's try a time bomb! Give them seven seconds to get it in the target area or it explodes. It adds extra excitement to the game. Not only do they have to be careful to not make it slide too far, but they ALSO had to get it to the designated area. Or how about this. Make it a proximity bomb. Let's go over how a prox bomb works. It's dropped in from the air usually, arms are spread to slow it's decent. When it lands, the fuse is armed. It sets up a magnetic field. The field detects the amount of metallic objects in the area. The counter for the objects can go up an infinite amount. The problem is when the count drops. When it does, BOOM. The idea is when a convoy drives through the radius, the front passes through ok. As the ones behind it come in, the counter on the bomb goes up. And the end enters though, since nothing is following it, the metal count drops and the ass end of the convoy is no more. Back on to explaining how it helps curling be more interesting. As the bomb gets closer, there is more metal objects the are moved into it's field. the maximum amount is when it reaches the target area. However, if it moved beyond that area, BOOM! That's what makes it interesting because you also have 7 seconds to make it to the area or BOOM as well. A most awesome idea.
Well do one more for the winter Olympics. Ski jumping. Quite possibly the most boring event of ALL TIME. Well, how about this. We add a flaming hoop just as they jump off the ramp. Sure you can swerve to avoid it, but then you'll fall into the conveniently place canyon between the jump and the landing area. And just to FURTHER make things interesting, we add ANOTHER hoop just before the landing. Guaranteed excitement! It would be like watching car racing, only better. People only watch NASCAR and the like for the crashing at the beginning, then go home and probably get fat or BBQ or if you're a loner, masturbate to pictures of the crashes you download from the internet when you get home. Ok ok, I kid. They all skip the BBQ and go masturbate to said pictures. Really the only way to tolerate NASCAR is to have a fetish for it. It's understandable I guess. Everyone has a fetish. Some foot, some Asian, some German shiza videos.... What am I kidding, those NASCAR fans are FUCKING FREAKS man! masturbating to NASCAR crashes? Ew nasty you sick bastard. Now I'm too disturbed to come up with more to the ski jump.
Let's stop with winter and go to the summer Olympics. Let's start with something truly boring. The marathon. Everyone is gathered near an obelisk. They're just standing around waiting for the race to start. Oh, I'm forgetting something.... what was it... hmm... oh well, probably wasn't important anyway. So the gun is fired and the runners begin. The distance to run is three miles. A minor trek for an experienced marathon runner, be assured. Oh wait, I remember now what was previously forgotten. Remember the obelisk at the starting point? Good, cause it's got a nuke in it. It's set to go off 5 minutes after the start of the race. You may say, but doesn't a nuke have a blast radius of about 500 miles? Well, at the end of the race are bomb shelters. But how could someone ever run 3 miles in 5 minutes? Well, knowing that your about to be fucking obliterated on the atomic level might encourage you to run faster maybe. Maybe...
finally, there's the diathalon. Well, forget about it. It's been thrown out. It's replacement? The Decapithon. But I grow weary now. We'll get to that another time as this is getting long as it is. Hopefully you've enjoyed our ideas to make the Olympics better for all. Ok, well, maybe just better for the viewers, but dammit all, we're the important ones here right? That's what I thought.
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There is a new infomercial fad going around that people are slowly noticing. Chemical sexual stimulants are the new “it” thing to push, promote, and make a dollar off of. We have all seen the commercials with Smilin’ Bob of Enzyte, and the almost uncomfortable situations that the Cialis commercials put us in. At first, “natural male enhancement” was the thing. Now, its no longer that type of enhancement companies are pushing us towards. Now, it’s pheromone enhancement.
Most people have heard of pheromones. A pheromone is a chemical that triggers a natural behavioral response in another member of the same species. There are many types of pheromones. There are alarm pheromones, territorial pheromones, trail pheromones, even calming pheromones. Believe it or not, the studies (both controlled and not) that show that female menstrual cycles align when there are multiple women who spend extended periods of time together, come from the releasing of pheromones.
But, of course, the ones that the marketers are trying to capitalize on are sex pheromones. According to the infomercials, and apparently scientific study, an organ three inches in the nose called the vomeronasal organ detects pheromones and sends a sexual response signal to the brain. There are many products, such as Pherlure, that advertise that their product enhance these signals and increase the amount of pheromones, leading to a higher probably of intimate contact.
Being the fully confident, unabashed male I am, and in a service to Wasabisoft and its researches (patents, loans, actual experiments still pending), I decided to order Pherlure and try it out. Last night, donned in my finest pimp gear, with some sprayed on pheromones, I went to a local bar known to be frequented by students of the college variety. After walking in and sitting down at the bar, I started to notice the strangest thing.
Women were looking at me… and smiling!
I thought, “Wow, this stuff must work.” So, I sat there, played it cool, and decided I would scope the room for the perfect girl to “spit game” at. As I was looking around, I also started to notice that the guys were looking at me too and smiling. Now, my dangle don’t dangle for other dangles., so I was a little freaked out by the looks I was getting. I shook off the weird vibes and found my girl. I tried one of my favorite pick up lines; “Should I buy you a drink or just give you the money?” Depending on the girl, it can get a laugh, or get a slap. This time, it was unfortunately the latter. Oddly enough, she walked away laughing, so I just figured she got the joke late. I decided that it wasn’t the pheromones that time that failed, it was the line.
So, I found another girl. I dropped another one of my favorite lines; “You know, there are a thousand great guys out there, but only a few of us aren’t gay.” Usually a sure fire winner, but this time, I got a disgusted look and she left me. I figured, one more try and then I’m out of there.
I found one that girl and delivered one of the best lines in my back pocket: “Did YOU invite all of these people? I thought it was going to be just the two of us.” I was smooth, charming, just a perfect delivery of the line. She busted out laughing. Yes! I’m in. I thought about the follow up, should I go with more comedy? Should I just introduce myself? Just as I was about to open my mouth, she said…
“You smell like a camel’s ass.”
“What?”
“You smell like a camel’s ass. I smelled you the second you walked into a bar. You out smelled the cigars, beer and drunk in here!”
I left and went home.
So, what did my research come to? Apparently, pheromones smell like camel ass.
You’re welcome.
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Apparently, they are trying to implement universal health care in CALIFORNIA. That's right. UNIVERSAL health care. UNIVERSAL. Just like what they have in MA.
Why, why is CA following MA!?
First and foremost, MA, no offense, but UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE is not smart; especially for CA. Why? Because one, CA has 2, 3, maybe even 4x the people than MA. And since CA is closer to our neighbors down south, CA must have more poor people. Duh, obviously. Not only them, but every year, thousands of 'transplants' find their way to CA.
It's nice to have health care and it's also sad to not have health care. Oh, believe me. I know the pain and agony of not having health care when you truly need it.
But, how is the poor going to afford mandatory health care? They can't even afford regular health care right now! Not even the cheapest one!
Like the other 40 million people in this nation, we feel we don't need health care. Relatively, we are healthy. Relatively. Or we hoped that we'd get over our illness without the need of professional medical care.
Yet, there are still the 20 or so million that need health care but cannot obtain it because they either need a roof under their head or feed their growling stomachs. So, how do you solve this dilemma?
NOT UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, that's for sure. How does mandatory withdrawal of your paycheck help?! MA's health care costs about $200; how does this help someone who lives paycheck to paycheck? You're actually causing more heartache to them. They NEED that 100 or 200$. Not taken away if they're not actively using the 'benefit'. It's like free money to the government, on top of what we pay.
Does health care cover vision costs? Does it cover dental costs? No. It only covers health care costs. Doctor visits. Toothache? No. Root canal? No. WHAT!? What good are you to me Universal health care!!!
Face it, we see our dentists more often than our doctors. We even see our optometrists more often than our doctors. Can we include the whole package?! Then the 200$ per month would be great. Don't you think so?!
20 million poor + expensive 'low priced' mandated insurance fee = more money for our government. AWESOME.
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Welcome to the Tuesday Top Five on Wednesday! Each week, I will present at least one top five list on Wednesday for you to mull over, agree with, disagree with, or ignore completely! It is the Tuesday Top Five because alliteration is always fun. But I present it to you on Wednesday because Wednesday should not be shunned just because its the longest word of all of the days.
Top Five Jelly Belly Flavors No One Knows About
Note: These are actual flavors. Feel free to look them up.
5. Ear Wax
4. Booger
3. Baby Wipes
2. Pencil Shavings
1. Vomit
Honorable Mention: Bacon, Dirt, Soap, Lemon
Top Five TV Dramas Currently On TV
5. Dirty Sexy Money
4. Heroes
3. Life
2. Pushing Daisies
1. Chuck
Honorable Mention: House
Top Five TV Comedies Currently On TV
5. Scrubs
4. South Park
3. 30 Rock
2. How I Met Your Mother
1. The Office
Honorable Mention: The Big Bang Theory, The Sarah Silverman Program
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Having finally gotten a taste of the video game industry from the inside, I have to say; I love it. I was lucky enough to have gotten that taste from a company known to employ some of the coolest, most interesting people in the industry. I was also lucky to have been working on one of the bigger releases of the year. The company? Harmonix. The game? Rock Band.
For the 2 months I worked at Harmonix on Rock Band, even though we were in 70+ hour a week crunches, life was a dream. I had finally put my foot in the door and gotten a chance to work on a game many people were waiting on.
I was in the QA department.
Ok, how many people did I lose there? People think QA and go, "Oh, well you didn't really work on the game, you just played it all day." To which I reply, "If it were only that easy my friend." As most people know by now, we were partnered with EA and MTV. EA is not really known for their exceptional QA abilities (just look at the quality of their releases for the past few years). While there were a few good ones, the majority of them submitted the most unintelligible bugs ever. Internal QA really had to restrain ourselves from going off on them (though it did still happen from time to time).
There were a few things we had to do that I didn't agree with to make the dead line, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made. Also remember that Rock Band was built from the ground up in only a year. Did we live up to everyone's expectations? I'll let you decide. While it may not have trumped number one, I'd like to think it's up there with fans of the music/rhythm genre of games. And yes, I am aware that Zelda took the spot back.
As for the people I worked with, they were all awesome. I also finally found some great guitar competition for Rock Band and GH of old. Overall, everyone there was just awesome, and the company treated us like they actually cared (mmm late night dinners and Friday lunches).
As for what I think of GH3, I owned it for about two weeks before getting bored with it and trading it in. I played GH1 and 2 for the entire year while waiting for the new ones to come out. I just feel like Neversoft didn't understand what made GH special. Sure, the solos on the later songs were bitchin', and the inclusion of Dragonforce was pretty sweet, but the visuals made me want to go cry in a corner.
I haven't mentioned this about myself yet, but I am a Graphic Artist/3D modeler. And what I saw in GH3 horrified me. The drummer was extremely clunky, Judy Nails turned into Super Slut™, and the singer... Why did he have his balls surgically attached to his chin? Yeah, it's about the music, that comes first, but damn guys, when your dummer looks like a robot something ain't right. Now the 2D animated sections, those character designs looked beautiful. Why couldn't Neversoft have used them?
In closing, I would like to take a quote from Brian Clevinger of 8-bit theater fame, "Point is, about 80% of GH3 consists of songs I'd never listen to. They're still mostly fun to play, but differently. GH2 made me appreciate songs and artists that I previously didn't care about because it showcased the talent behind the music. By comparison, GH3 seems like some dudes happened to enjoy some random songs and, hey wouldn't you know it, these guys are working on this guitar game. The songs on GH3 just don't have anything to "say" about music. Rock Band's playlist kind of emphasizes that distinction. Most of those songs don't really interest me as songs, but I find them downright compelling as pieces of music to "play". The way GH2 did."
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I was asked to take this survey for some public something policy administration class by my sister's friend.
Here's how it went down on AIM:
me: wat u gonna do with this info
friend: i have to discuss my chosen proposition, explain its policy formulation and evaluation process, discuss the survey results, provide pie chart
me: soo u're collectin data from ppl and see wat they think
me: its not a real survey!! its helpin u to do ur hw!!
me: cheater!!
So, as a nice person that I am, I participated. Mind you, it is quite long. Read with caution.
What is Proposition 187?
California Proposition 187 was a 1994 ballot initiative designed to deny illegal immigrants social services, health care, and public education.
Proposition 187 included several additions to the law, falling into two categories:
- All law enforcement agents who suspect that a person who has been arrested is in violation of immigration laws must investigate the detainee's immigration status, and if they find evidence of illegality they must report it to the attorney general of California, and to the federal Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS).
- No one may receive public benefits until they have proven their legal right to reside in the country. If anyone applies for benefits and is suspected by government agents of being illegal, those agents must report in writing to the enforcement authorities. Emergency medical care is exempted as required by federal law but all other medical benefits have the same test as above. Primary and secondary education is explicitly included.
Gender: Female
Ethnicity: Asian/Pacific Islander
Do you support the proposition? Yes and No
Please explain:
We live in a capitalistic country—we fend for ourselves and ourselves only. If anyone gets in our way, we’ll stomp them like a bug. If someone bothers us, we’ll gently wave our hands as if we’re shoo-ing away a pesky fly. Why? Simply because we have better things to do than to bother with such ‘nuisances.’
Why should it be any different for an illegal immigrant? What makes them so special that we pay attention to them? As a capitalist, who cares. Illegal immigrants took the courage, money and made ridiculous sacrifices to join our rat race. Why not let them join us?
Most of our ‘citizen’ population can barely keep up with this rat race. In fact, at least 1/3 of our population are laggers and will only walk, never run or even jog—just like when we had PE in middle school; you know who I’m talking about.
Isn’t becoming something from nothing part of the American culture? What good sense does it make to let our ‘privileged’ citizens remain laggers and stomp illegals who are willing to succeed? How will this help our economy? It doesn’t, it only hinders it. Face it, we’re adding more laggers to the race, not diminishing it. Maybe we should create a human bartering system with other countries; except who would be willing to take our laggers? No country would. If I were President of a country, I would 187 them before they set foot in my land.
Sure, take away the health benefits and other ‘citizen’ privileges, but we should not and cannot be the ones to determine if they should receive an education. The basic fundamental of an education is to increase our knowledge and wisdom—removing them from our public school education will not defeat this. In fact, it may do the exact opposite.
Alas, our taxes. We pay taxes and by no means should an illegal reap our possible benefits. I digress. As a citizen, we merely indirectly support these programs. It is up to the government to decide on how our hard earned dollars are spent—this is our unsaid contract for living here. We are given the illusion that we have control.
Also, I question our logic: It’s okay to have our government officials spend excessive amount of our taxes on dinners, conferences, lodging, drug smuggling (i.e. FBI and Colombia), have slow and inefficient courtroom/DMV employees, but when an illegal tries to obtain an education (either to learn or to stay out of trouble) that’s a big no-no? Wouldn’t you prefer illegals to be safely tucked away at school than to have them roaming around the streets doing God knows what?
Even if this proposition is approved, the number of illegal immigrants will never cease. Middle runners of the rat race are too busy to pay close attention and the top runners are too successful to even care. All that is left are the laggers—and we know what big gossips they were back in day.
Comment: Now I wonder if she used my real data to include in her presentation :p
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