Every Saturday, one of us will post a blog post from our past in order to let you really get to know us... and laugh at us. Over the past century or so, I posted many a small life lesson/observation. Here are some of my favorites:
==================================
How to Tell If Your Vegetarian Girlfriend Has Been Sneaking Meat:
-You discover a treatise on her laptop entitled "the benefits of venison."
-She receives a lifetime-achievement award in the mail from the American Beef Council.
-At the deli, she purrs, "Hey there, killer," to the counter boy.
-She begins to display inappropriate signs of aggressiveness, like repeatedly shouting, "In your face, buddy," during a round of mini-golf, and giving the bird to a flock of actual birds.
-You overhear her tell the waiter to "make it bloody."
==================================
Apples and oranges aren't that different, really. I mean, they're both fruit. They both contain acidic elements. They're both roughly spherical. They serve the same social purpose. With the possible exception of a tangerine, I can't think of anything more similar to an orange than an apple. If I was having lunch with a man who was eating an apple and, while looking away, he replaced that apple with an orange, I doubt I'd even notice. So how is this a metaphor for difference? I could understand if you said, "That's like comparing apples and uranium," or "That's like comparing apples and the early work of Raymond Carver," or "That's like comparing apples with hermaphroditic ground sloths." Those would all be valid examples of profound disparity. But not apples and oranges. In every meaningful way, they're virtually identical.
==================================
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating...
==================================
Some people sky dive, other people bungie jump. Me, I drive to the store without my cell phone. Yeah, that’s right, I’m a rebel. Sure, something could happen to me. Sure, my car could break down and while walking to the nearest pay phone I could trip and break my leg, making my tele-pay transaction nearly impossible. But you know what, I’m a risk seeker. I laugh at the face of death… or at the risk of being mildly inconvenienced. Sure, I could be driving to Wendy’s to pick up a hamburger for a friend and then he suddenly changes his mind and wants a salad instead. I take the risk of being mildly inconvenienced each and every time I step outside my house without a cell phone.
==================================
I'm looking for a girl who's capable enough to assist me in the moderate task of conquering this planet and enslaving its populace simply because I don't want to have to do it by myself. Obviously, she'll have to be able to fit into the boots that will brutally crush all who would dare oppose us and our enlightened leadership, because if we do it lovingly together, it sets a good example for those among the cowering masses who manage to survive the Great Purges of the burgeoning Era of Pain. Because, hey, I believe in family values.
I've got a couple of candidates in mind. We'll see what happens...
==================================
THINGS I'D RATHER DO THAN GO SEE THE MOVIE 'CATWOMAN'
-Build a sandcastle for the sole purpose of having it kicked in my face.
-Fall from a reasonably high ledge.
-Be really really really ridiculously good looking.
-Have a new STD that makes angry hornets spontaneously generate in my anus, and it's caused by masturbation.
-Rip a dollar bill into three unequal pieces.
-Come down with a sickening case of leprosy, then constantly sing the old Kermit the Frog classic 'Its Not Easy Being Green' just because the irony makes me chuckle.
-See a lost puppy slowly freezing to death at 5:11 a.m. on Christmas.
-Wake up very early and go running.
==================================
The main difference between humans and robots is that robots will ultimately turn on their creators and destroy the human race, whereas all we'll do is beg God for mercy while they're splitting open our skulls and digitizing our babies.
See you in church, suckers.
