Jun 17, 2008
Jan 25, 2008
No, We're not dead. I swear it. In truth, we're actually working on something special for you guys that I hope to be able to announce in the next couple days! Stay tuned loyal wasabites!
Jan 12, 2008
Classic Ass #007: Incredibly Corny Jokes
Every Saturday, one of us will post a blog post from our past in order to let you really get to know us... and laugh at us. Over the past century or so, I posted many a corny joke. Here are some of my favorites:
-Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
-Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam! .. "
-Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
-Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
-Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
-A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
-A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
-These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
-Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
-And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Jan 9, 2008
PC vs MAC
What's the difference between an Apple worshipper and a PC follower??
PC users admit their PC sucks, and when it dies, it's dead--they get a new one.
Apple worshippers deny such occurrences and pray that when shipped back to Apple for some fixin', it will return just like new.
What's another difference between PC users and Mac users???
When breaking, PC users will try all they can to find out the problem and fix it.
When breaking, MAC users cry and send their MACs away to a MAC boarding school and hope they'll behave once returned. (Of course, this can be reversed)
hahahaha, it's similar to the first one, but it's okAY! just poking fun :).
What's another difference between MACs and PCs?
When a PC breaks down and acts funny, the first thing everyone says is, "Stop downloading so much porn!"
MACs just scoff at PCs because like men, they think they have protection. (ooh, double slap)
What's another difference between PCs and MACs?
PC users usually get a new PC by the end of their first year, not only because it sucks; but also, because it's cheap.
MAC users have to wait at least 5 years because they don't have the money to afford a new one and they are stuck with their crappy MAC.
Oh, btw, I use both MAC and PC. Although, I use PC more often, but I do use MAC. I'm just not an Apple worshipper nor a Sony worshipper, that is all :).
Got any other cracks about PC? I'd like to hear them! I just can't think of any right now..hmmm....:) Anyone have jingles about PCs??
Jan 8, 2008
I'd buy a PC; at least they stick around for at least a year.
MADtv conjures funny but true lyrics about Apple and their tactics. Of course, they exist because fanboys are just plain fanboys.
From Feist - 1234
Jan 7, 2008
The First Monday of the Year
Today is the first Monday of the new year. What will you do with it?
For me, I am currently working on loans for tuition and hopefully pay for it in time. For many people, the first Monday is the day they return to work and their normal routine. What is in a routine? Maybe you're a businessman, ironing out your shirt and rolling the lint off your jacket as you prep for your presentation. Or, maybe you're a teacher, once again writing the lesson plan on the blackboard (or if you're high tech, you're using a powerpoint). Or, maybe you're a baker, up at this hour as I'm typing this post, already mixing flour and eggs.
Everyone has their life to carry on, and all of this is part of the routine that keeps us going. Is your routine efficient, is it potentially flawed? In a way, your routine is what you have become used to and we don't think about it as much as we get older. It's just a routine, something we're doing to get by. For those ambitious souls who decide to be adventurous in life, they don't have a routine but they have a hard time getting by. So, is having a routine (which will provide you a stable means for life) better than not having a routine (which will be a life lived in the way you want it to be)?
Jan 2, 2008
"It just (don't) works!" or "My Mac switch nightmare"
UPDATE: Now with 100%
With the exception of names and a raging boner, this is a 100% true story. I just wanted to get that out of the way now. I didn't want to preface my preface, as this is a long post already, but I really wanted to get this out there because it is a crime what apple is doing to their customers. And the worst part is half of them are so "Apple Happy" or just plain new to computers, they are completely oblivious and blind to what is going on. There is one must read section at the bottom I want everyone to read whether or not you read the entire story. It's horrible and I want people to know what Apple is doing. Without further ado, here's the rest of the story.
After much research and chatting with some friends of mine, last September I decided to purchase a Macbook Pro. I figured, Apple is supposed to use some high quality parts in their Macbook Pro line, plus I can run Vista (Yes Vista, I like it, Fuck you very much) with dx10 and even had the only laptop with a dx10 capable video card at the time. So I plunk down my (read: not mine) hard earned (read: given) 2500 bucks to purchase one. It comes in the mail. I'm as happy as a child receiving a video game on Christmas(capital C).
So I'm loving my new found freedom. I felt like bubble boy, having been giving a bubble suit to venture away from my bubble room for the first time. I could now compute anywhere, even on the can if I desired. I now had the ability to watch tv in my room (my house has only one cable outlet). I didn't have to sit in my room while working anymore. I could go downstairs and enjoy my nice tv, I could do work on the train, I was free from my shackles I called a desk.
Then I noticed it. My laptop wasn't sitting flat on the table. It was wobbling. I thought maybe there's something underneath it. I checked. Nope. I took a closer look at my laptop. The bottom casing was warped right around the dvd drive. I thought, oh, well I'll go down to the store and talk to them. I just got it two weeks ago, they should be able to replace it no problem.
I arrive at the Cambridge Side Apple store. I'd never been in an Apple store before. It felt.... creepy. People were enjoying themselves in a computer store, happily buying highly marked up products. The staff weren't 40 year old nothings. They were hip, trendy (cliche) people my age. They were designers, they were musicians, they were wanabes. Everything about them screamed, look at me, I'm hip and trendy with my apple computer. You can be too!
I skulk my way to the back, passing the tutors, passing the cinema displays, passing the mac fanboy on the floor with a raging boner who just creamed himself and passed out after finally getting his hands on an iphone. Ah the Mac Genius bar. They are geniusi, surely they could assist me. I walk up to this kid checking people in.
"Do you have an appointment"
I think to myself, what am I in the doctor's office? Then laugh thinking about my time as a computer repair tech and how much trouble doctors would get in if they repaired people while consuming alcohol.
"Umm no I don't," I replied.
"Well, your in luck, things are slow tonight, we can have Colin (That was probably not his name as I have forgotten what it was, I just replaced it with some random "trendy" name apple employee's are required to have) here assist you with your problem."
"Thank you."
Colin was a younger guy who was hiding his balding by shaving his head and growing out his beard. I never understood that. Hey look at me! I'm not bald, I just moved my hair to the jaw line region. Incidentally, Helen would have called him a pubic hair face. "Yo," He greeted me.
"Howdy (I'm from the south. Sometimes I like to wear that on my sleeve)"
"How can I help you tonight?"
I proceed to explain to him the issue of my warped casing citing I'm worried since it's around the dvd drive it might cause problems with dvd playback. Almost immediately, he cuts in.
"Well, I'll have to charge you for that repair. I have no way of telling if it's customer abuse or if it's our fault. That kind of repair runs about 400 dollars because we have to replace the whole bottom case."
"Don't I have a warranty to cover this kind of thing?" I did.
"Like I said, it's possible it's customer abuse. I'm not saying you aren't careful with your laptop," Yes you are I thought, "but I can't tell if you did this or not, so I can't cover it. Would you like to check it in with us today?"
"Well, I can't really afford that right now... and I don't have another computer to use. Being a graphic designer, it's kind of my life blood. I also don't really have that kind of money right now" I had just lost my job at Harmonix.
"I understand. I can't guarantee that price forever though. So you'll want to bring it back soon."
Woah wait huh!? Red flag. Can't Guarantee the price forever? Where the fuck am I? A gas station? Did George Bush buy Apple? I nod in agreement, pack my things, and leave.
The next day I contact Apple phone support.
"How may I help you today"
Wow these overseas Indian guys are mimicking the English language perfectly now! Oh wait, he's American. "Yeah, I went to the Apple store last night. I recently purchased a Macbook Pro and the casing is warped. I just noticed it a few nights ago. I went to the store and they told me it would cost 400 dollars to repair."
"That's interesting. According to my notes you are under warranty. While it is up to the store to decide how much to charge," Wait... run that by me again? Up to the store? "you are technically under warranty. I could send you a box and we could repair it for you through our repair service, free of charge."
"That would be great, but this is my only computer currently, how long would it take?"
"Seven days."
"Oh ouch.. well, I should have my desktop up and running again shortly. Can you please notate this conversation so when I call back, they will know it's a known issue and take care of it like you have?"
"Sure that wouldn't be a problem."
So I am content right now. I still have a warped laptop, but I can't do anything about it currently as I am looking for jobs and my desktop is on the fritz. Here's were the story gets really interesting.
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WARNING WARNING! BOSS APPROACHING! (read: the really interesting part. the must read is further down)
===============================
So fast forward to two weeks ago. I come home from work for the Christmas holiday. I open my laptop. I start messing around. I notice there's a big piece of dust on the screen, I wipe it off. I continue messing around. I notice it's back. I wipe it again. Then I notice, wait, that's not on the screen. What the hell is this? It's under the screen. How the hell did that get in there? I call customer support...
"Hi, I have what appears to be a speck of dust on the inside of my screen."
"I'm sorry to hear that sir, I can schedule with a Mac Genius at the store and we can get that taken care of."
"Um, last time I went down there, they tried to charge me to repair my warped case, which is still under warranty I'd like to add."
"I assure you they won't do that sir. I'm putting notes in your account to attest to that and also noting for them to repair the case as I see notes in here on a previous conversation with us. You should be able to go down their and get your repairs done. If they have any problems, tell them to give us a call and we will explain the situation further to them."
"Ok thank you."
Back off to the store with me. This time equipped with backing from phone support. I arrive about 45 minutes early. This time they are a little busier, so I mosey on around the store for about 30 minutes, browsing the "already been out on pc for 10 months" aisle before they are ready to see me.
This time it's a lanky man named Christopher. Again with the "hip" attitude. Can't just be Chris? Why do you look like you recently went through an emo phase?
"What can I do for you today?"
"Hi, I just got off the phone with Apple tech. They sent me here to talk to you" I explained my problem to him.
"Oh that's a bubble under your screen. I'm going to have to ask you to remove the stickers from your laptop. Do you mind if I take it into the back?"
"Um sure why not."
This is where I wait for about 20 minutes for him to do whatever it is they do to mac's "in the back." I imagine him doing the hardware "from behind" because everyone knows how in love mac users are with their macs. If you don't believe, don't take my word for it, take his.
He comes back up front. "Well there are a couple of things I'd like to point out to you. There is a dent on the corner of the back of the LCD casing, and a ding on your ram panel." I was 100% sure those were not there when I came in. I'm a technophile and I take EXTREMELY good care of my tech. "It shouldn't be a problem, but I just have to note them."
"Oh, ok."
"Usually a repair on the LCD is 700 or 800 hundred dollars," good god fuck me shit mother fucker, "and another 200 for the case repair plus labor," 200? The last guy told me 400... something is fishy here, "but since it's under warranty, I'll give you a deal and do them both for 180 dollar and no labor fee."
DINGDINGDINGDINGWAAAAAHHHHOOOOOOO RED FLAG CENTRAL. Give me a deal? GIVE ME A DEAL!? It's under warranty. What kind of shit is he trying to pull? Give me a deal? Are you a used car salesman? When I worked in retail, I worked in retail in America. I'm sorry, but we can't work out deals on the company dime for corporate America. Shit is priced at what it's priced, or it comes out my paycheck.
"I just got off the phone with customer service and they said it would be free, and that if you had a problem with that to call them."
"I don't see those notes here, and I won't call them because they will just give me the same answer I gave you."
I told him I would return at another time to get the repairs done.
The next night I promptly call back phone support.
"Hi, thank you for calling Apple Tech support, how may I help you."
A girl? Interesting. "Yes, I'm calling about my Macbook-" I describe my issue and the problem I had the previous night at the store.
"That's awful. Let me review the notes real quick, may I put you on hold?"
"Sure"
She comes back ten minutes later, "Well since you said you spoke with customer service, I'm going to have to transfer you to our customer care line."
"Um, are you not customer service? This is the same number I called the other night."
"No we're tech support." Same god damned thing.
"Well, I'm sorry, I miss spoke. I thought it was the same thing. I spoke with tech support."
"Oh well I can I put you back on hold?" Another 5 minutes pass before she comes back. "Thank you for holding."
"Can I ask you something? Why did I buy an Apple product? Why did I spend 2500 dollars on an Apple product only to be treated like some Dell or Gateway customer."
"I'm sorry for your trouble sir, I'm transferring you to tier 2 service, but the wait time is about 2 hours, do you want to wait?"
"I have a 2500 dollar laptop that is new, warped and has a bad LCD, yeah, I got all day to wait."
I wait maybe 10 minutes before tier 2 comes on the line. The warning must have been a ploy to get me to give up. "Welcome to tier 2 may I help you?" Again I explain the situation. "Ok we're going to send you out a box overnight. Put your computer in the box and drop it off at a DHL location, it will have a return label on it. Give me a minute to go over the notes." He too disappears for 15 minutes. I'm talking to Chad online at this point giving him the blow by blow (read: not a sexual reference). He's wondering why, if they are sending me a box, does he need to disappear for so long to read notes? He comes back, explain the box thing to me again and sends me off. I'm frustrated, but content at this point.
Box comes in. Laptop goes out. Five days later, a day before the New Year, the laptop returns. I once again excitedly open it up and check it out. Most of the case is still the same. They couldn't be bothered to replace the dinged ram panel and the keyboard panel, but they did replace the rest of the bottom case. I boot up. Woah ho ho, brand new, no bubble LCD screen.
I boot up World of Warcrack (thanks Tomy and Phil for getting me back into that game... Assholes...) and play for awhile. I would like to note here, that the laptop is sitting on my desk with nothing obstructing the vent. After about two hours, the laptop abruptly shuts off.
"Umm... what the fuck"
Then I notice a sulfur smell. The smell of fried electronics, and it's strong.
"Holy fuck balls..."
The laptop won't turn on, the light on the charger is gone, the laptop is a paper weight... Two hours after the laptop is returned to me, it fries itself. I give up and go to bed. The next morning I try to turn it on... won't power up. I try a few more times 5 minutes later, it turns on, but the sulfur smell immediately returns. I call the phone lines, blah blah closed for New Years. I call the store, they are open! They schedule me for a 3:20 appointment at the Genius Bar.
I show up an hour early. Mistake. The kid in the back says they are swamped but he will check me in. I decide I can't spend an hour in there and start wondering around the mall. I have a sit at the bench and people watch. Boston has a lot of white people who adopt Asian children. Nothing wrong with that, just something I noticed. Also, I might be the only guy in the world that thinks winter clothes on women are cute.
I go back into the store 20 minutes before my "appointment" and wait. 3:20 rolls around and it's still not my turn. I talk to the girl checking people in, "Do you know when my turn is coming up?"
"Can I get your name"
"Gerry"
"Hmm you aren't checked in," I can't get a break... "but lemme do that for you real quick. There are three people in front of you so just hang out and we'll get to you shortly."
40 minutes later my name is called.
I won't bore you with another long conversation. I will say, this was an older gentleman and he was very sympathetic to my issue and was very nice about everything and was the best out of everyone I talked to. He took my laptop, check it in to be shipped out, apologized, said I should have my computer back in a week, and sent me on my way. I left happy with that experience. I was not happy with the others.
=======================
THIS IS THE PART EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ!
=======================
On my way home, I get a return call from a friend of mine who works at an apple store. He said he did some talking to the geniusi at his store and found out that my problems (the warp and the bubble) were known faults with the hardware... but Apple wasn't admitting them to the public. They were trying to nickle and dime customers for repairs citing abuse as the cause. This is WRONG! I understand you are a business, and it is a business of making money, but own up to your fucking mistakes. Don't fuck over your customers because you don't want to pay for the faulty hardware you produced.
With the exception of the last genius I met with in store this entire experience has left an EXTREMELY sour taste in my mouth. As it stands, I will no longer be dealing with Apple or purchasing anymore of their products, which is a shame because I was very interested in the iphone. What they are doing is CUSTOMER ABUSE. It's the old bait and switch, selling you a broken product and charging you to repair it. I really hope this happens upon an Apple employee. I apologize to you for the harsh language and rude criticism of your consumers. It's in good fun and for the entertainment of my readers. What is not in fun is this story is completely true as is the paragraph above and it is wrong. Fess up. Apologize to me and your other customers. It's the least you owe us. At least Microsoft was behind their product enough to admit there were issue with the xbox 360 and extended all warranties to 3 years. THAT is customer service. So, the ball is in your court Apple. How will you respond?
I would like to invite everyone to post their own experiences about this in the comment section.
Happy New Year!
I'm a day late, but I would like to say happy new year to all our readers. I hope 2007 was a great year for you and hopefully 2008 will be the same. My 2008 is starting out bleh-y, but that is a long story I am typing up for you right now. It's a good-un, I swear.
Jan 1, 2008
Defining Moments In Time
Webster’s Dictionary defines HAPPY as:
1. Delighted, pleased, or glad
2. Characterized as or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy
3. Favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky
Webster’s Dictionary defines NEW as:
1. Of recent origin, production, purchase, etc.
2. Of a kind now existing or appearing for the first time
3. Having but lately or but now come to knowledge
(There’s like a billion more definitions)
Webster’s Dictionary defines YEAR as:
1. A period of 365 or 366 days, in the Gregorian calendar, divided into 12 calendar months, now reckoned as beginning Jan. 1 and ending Dec. 31
2. A period of approximately the same length in other calendars.
3. A space of 12 calendar months calculated from any point
Webster’s Dictionary defines TWO as:
1. A cardinal number, one plus one
2. A symbol for this number, 2 or II
3. A set of this many persons or things; a playing card, die face, or half of a domino face with two pips
Webster’s Dictionary defines ZERO as:
1. The figure or symbol 0, which in the Arabic notation for numbers stands for the absence of quantity; cipher.
2. The origin of any kind of measurement; line or point from which all divisions of a scale, as a thermometer, are measured in either a positive or a negative direction.
3. A mathematical value intermediate between positive and negative values.
Webster’s Dictionary defines ZERO as:
1. Naught; nothing.
2. The lowest point or degree.
3. The absence of a linguistic element, as a phoneme or morpheme, in a position in which one previously existed or might by analogy be expected to exist, often represented by the symbol 0
Webster’s Dictionary defines EIGHT as:
1. A cardinal number, seven plus one
2. A symbol for this number, 8 or VIII
3. A set of this many persons or things; a playing card the face of which bears eight pips
Soooooo…. What does this all mean?
Hell if I know.
Dec 29, 2007
Classic Ass #006: Life Lessons/Observations
Every Saturday, one of us will post a blog post from our past in order to let you really get to know us... and laugh at us. Over the past century or so, I posted many a small life lesson/observation. Here are some of my favorites:
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How to Tell If Your Vegetarian Girlfriend Has Been Sneaking Meat:
-You discover a treatise on her laptop entitled "the benefits of venison."
-She receives a lifetime-achievement award in the mail from the American Beef Council.
-At the deli, she purrs, "Hey there, killer," to the counter boy.
-She begins to display inappropriate signs of aggressiveness, like repeatedly shouting, "In your face, buddy," during a round of mini-golf, and giving the bird to a flock of actual birds.
-You overhear her tell the waiter to "make it bloody."
==================================
Apples and oranges aren't that different, really. I mean, they're both fruit. They both contain acidic elements. They're both roughly spherical. They serve the same social purpose. With the possible exception of a tangerine, I can't think of anything more similar to an orange than an apple. If I was having lunch with a man who was eating an apple and, while looking away, he replaced that apple with an orange, I doubt I'd even notice. So how is this a metaphor for difference? I could understand if you said, "That's like comparing apples and uranium," or "That's like comparing apples and the early work of Raymond Carver," or "That's like comparing apples with hermaphroditic ground sloths." Those would all be valid examples of profound disparity. But not apples and oranges. In every meaningful way, they're virtually identical.
==================================
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating...
==================================
Some people sky dive, other people bungie jump. Me, I drive to the store without my cell phone. Yeah, that’s right, I’m a rebel. Sure, something could happen to me. Sure, my car could break down and while walking to the nearest pay phone I could trip and break my leg, making my tele-pay transaction nearly impossible. But you know what, I’m a risk seeker. I laugh at the face of death… or at the risk of being mildly inconvenienced. Sure, I could be driving to Wendy’s to pick up a hamburger for a friend and then he suddenly changes his mind and wants a salad instead. I take the risk of being mildly inconvenienced each and every time I step outside my house without a cell phone.
==================================
I'm looking for a girl who's capable enough to assist me in the moderate task of conquering this planet and enslaving its populace simply because I don't want to have to do it by myself. Obviously, she'll have to be able to fit into the boots that will brutally crush all who would dare oppose us and our enlightened leadership, because if we do it lovingly together, it sets a good example for those among the cowering masses who manage to survive the Great Purges of the burgeoning Era of Pain. Because, hey, I believe in family values.
I've got a couple of candidates in mind. We'll see what happens...
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THINGS I'D RATHER DO THAN GO SEE THE MOVIE 'CATWOMAN'
-Build a sandcastle for the sole purpose of having it kicked in my face.
-Fall from a reasonably high ledge.
-Be really really really ridiculously good looking.
-Have a new STD that makes angry hornets spontaneously generate in my anus, and it's caused by masturbation.
-Rip a dollar bill into three unequal pieces.
-Come down with a sickening case of leprosy, then constantly sing the old Kermit the Frog classic 'Its Not Easy Being Green' just because the irony makes me chuckle.
-See a lost puppy slowly freezing to death at 5:11 a.m. on Christmas.
-Wake up very early and go running.
==================================
The main difference between humans and robots is that robots will ultimately turn on their creators and destroy the human race, whereas all we'll do is beg God for mercy while they're splitting open our skulls and digitizing our babies.
See you in church, suckers.
Dec 28, 2007
How To Tell A Swissman From A Frenchman
My last name is Coincon. To the uninitiated, Coincon is a rather hard name to pronounce, and the cidilla under the second C doesn't help matters. Most people mangle the pronounciation horribly and then cry "OMG, is that French?!?!?1/1?" I am usually able to keep from crying after such an accusation, but not always. The sauce helps.
Despite outward linguistic appearences, I'm actually Swiss. That's right, Swiss. I would make disparaging remarks about the French at this point to drive the point home, but my people are renowned for their neutrality. And chocolate. Therefore, in an attempt to stave off future traumatic experiences, I have compiled (see: pulled From Out My Ass (FOMA)) this list of ways by which the layperson may easily distinguish between a proud, versatile Swiss monolith and loathsome, cowardly French vermin. Note for the record how diplomatically I presented that last statement.
1: Observe your Subject at dinner.
-If he has before him a heaping plate, comprised of hearty, man-portioned representatives of every food group, to include the oft-maligned Beer, the Subject is a Swissman.
-If the Subject's plate looks to contain only a few patches of what might be mold from a distance, fit only to provide sustainence for small infant females or perhaps dormice, yet beside the ill-washed plate is a glass of wine so disproportionately large that one could conceivably use it to drown the aforementioned small infant female slash dormouse, the Subject is a Frenchman.
2: Observe your Subject after his morning shave.
-If the Subject's post-shave jaw is of a definative statuesque caliber, fit for crushing various rocks or gouging the eyes of the Subject's various nemesees, the kind of stony, confident chin that makes one fear for the continued verticality of any wall impeding the Subject's path, the Subject is a Swissman.
-If, despite the best efforts of myriad razor-like implements, the Subject's weedy countenance retains a pathetic, shadowy line of hair just above his upper lip fit only for bringing disdainful tears of mirth to the eyes of small infant females, the Subject is a Frenchman.
3: Ask your Subject for the time.
-If he promptly provides it to within two decimal places of millisecond precision from an exquisite timepiece that looks able to withstand a nuclear blast and still blind onlookers with its radiance, the Subject is a Swissman.
-If he holds his wrist up to the light in a vain attempt to improve the shadow resolution on his crudely hewn sundial of lower forearm ornamenture while stuggling to breathe and check the time simultaneously, the Subject is Canadian. *NOTE: A true Frenchman would have fled at the sound of your voice.*
4: Inquire as to the Subject's country's major exports.
-If the Subject lists such items as exquisite chocolates, badass army knives, sub-freezing levelheadedness, and prehensile phallusees, the Subject is a Swissman. And you should give him your number. Don't deny yourself an ironclad transcendant experience.
-If the Subject lists such items as smelly cheeses, self-fellatizing films, and capitulation, the Subject is a Frenchman. And likely speaking from behind the nearest available cover (see: method 3).
5: At a crowded party, fire a pistol into the air.
-If the Subject immediately rips off his T-shirt, waves it in the air as a makeshift white flag, and cedes the Bordeaux region to you in perpetuity, the Subject is a Frenchman.
-If the Subject bears the nearest attractive female to the ground, shields her with his body, and whispers softly in her ear "You are safe now, cherie" while simultaneously caressing her with his previously established elephant-trunk-esque wang, causing the female to moan lustfully and rip off HER T-shirt, the Subject is not only Swiss but probably also Cajun.
-If the Subject was already weeping in a corner over the accumulated facts that she is a) being ignored completely by every male at the party; b) built more solidly than most of the males at the party; and c) has more facial hair than most of the males at the party, the Subject is Canadian. Or possibly East German.
Keep these tips handy (in addition to a pistol) and you will never be caught in a Swiss/French faux pas. And hopefully I will stop crying myself to sleep at night.
Dec 27, 2007
Four Constants in Life: Birth, Taxes, Death and...
The Red Ring. But not just any red ring, the xbox 360 red ring of death!
That is Chad. Chad is sad. Why, you ask is Chad sad? Well Jimmy, see those red lights on that 360? Do you know what that means? No? Well you should by now, it's all over the internets. Has been for going on two years now. This is the xbox red ring of death.
Poor Chad is on his second xbox that just red ringed a week ago. I gave him that picture and left him with this note, "I am sorry for your recent loss. Here is a picture that I imagine is 100% true and not doctored in any form of shop that edits photos, in what happened when your loss occured." Let's face it, a red ring is kind of like a death in the family isn't it?
The cause of the red ring has been under scrutiny for some time now but the fact of the matter is, when (a matter of when, not if) it happens, it sucks. You are usually left without a 360 for about two weeks. This would be slightly more acceptable if this were his first xbox. Now, I understand some people are on xbox number 4 and 5, but when you receive a brand new (see: refurbished) xbox 360 a year and a half after release, you tend to expect the bugs to be worked out.
Now, as everyone no doubt already knows, MS has finally sucked it up and "admitted" a fault on their behalf with their extensions of all warranties to three years. Don't get me wrong, I love my xbox. After my skin eye of the original, the 360 won my heart over. Well, that and the fact that the competition isn't quite up to snuff yet. I only mention ps3 there because the Wii is in a league of it's own. Nightly games of Gears of War and Call of Duty 4 dance in my head as I dream.
In one respect I envy him... That bastard will get a new xbox... equipped with an HDMI port... and for that I hate him. Also, does anyone else find it intresting that a red ring signifies a problem on the 360 and a blue screen signifies a problem in windows? What's next?
Classic Ass #005: Feeling Homeless
After having a rough week, month, YEAR; I decided to just have some warm, soothing tea to accompany my sad, cold soul. I heart tea.
I scrummage through our cabinet (not just any cabinet, a METAL cabinet), and lo and behold, COFFEE. I thought, "Coffee sounds really good right now." With a huge grin on my face, I take the box off the shelf.
The label reads CAPPUCINO, but the rest of the box is in Chinese. The foreign Chinese characters should've been my first sign to stick to my tea. (I only know the basics; apparently I flunked out of Chinese school due to my tardiness; totally due to my family's lateness, not me!). But, I'm Asian, so crazy lines and shapes don't scare me!
My mom and sister are coffee lovers. But, my mom is hardcore. She pretty much drinks it straight up with very little sugar; but sometimes, her sweet tooth gets the best of her and she mixes in some condense milk or milk/sugar or cream/sugar. Excitedly, I get the water going on the stove, I grab my cup, spoon and marshmallow (yes, marshies are for chocolate milk, but I don't care! Not today anyways!).
Now, my second warning should've been the realization that this is INSTANT 'Cappucino' mix.
Any of you know any good, delicious instant coffee mixes!? I do! There's so many that's it's ridiculous! Is it good for you? Probably not, but it doesn't matter! It's coffee!!
The water is boiling hot by now, so I shut off the fire, pour half a cup of water into my cup, take out a package mix, rip it open and pour the contents in. I watched as the contents slowly melt and dissolve until it reaches its desired equilibrium. Mmm, coffee. Fresh (pretend fresh) coffee. I pour in the rest of the water and begin to stir the mix. I tasted the coffee, and it's kind of bland. "Do I need to put other stuff in it?," I wonder.
Stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, sip, stir stir stirstirstir sip. Hmmm, this tastes o-k. Coffee drinkers, you know you have to sniff your 'fresh' brewed coffee because hot coffee smells good!! There's just something comforting about hot coffee.
I tilt my head down and sniff, sip. Sip, sniff. "Hmmmm, what's that weird smell." Sip, sniff, sniff sniff. "There, that weird smell again; it smells familiar." Sniff sniff sniff sniiiiiiifff, sniff sniff. sniff.
"GROSS!!!!!!!"
I toss the coffee down the drain and made myself a Folger's instant coffee with condensed milk and marshmallow.
Can you guess what it smelled like??
PEE. Not just any pee. Not the kind where you drank so much coffee that your pee smells like coffee. Not the kind from your pet hamster because you're too lazy to clean the cage. It smells like the kind where you walk passed a homeless person and you can't help but smell the urine on him because the stench somehow creeps through your nostrils and fills your nasal cavity even though you hold your breathe.
So there you have it folks. I drank pee coffee.
What They Don't Teach You In School
School, for many, will take up, waste, and educate us for most of our lives. But, who really learns anything from school? Most of us tune out what happens from K-12 and even in college. Why? Mainly because their teachings come from textbooks. We grimace at the words of 'homework' or 'read chapter 5'; mainly because we picture this large textbook suffocating our lives.
As you know, textbook language is like a secret code. You have to actually think to process what you just read. See? You had to reread that sentence, right? When you decipher this code, you feel an enlightenment has come over you. Like a, "Hallelujah" moment.
Well, I'm here to bring you more "Hallelujah" moments; moments of 'never heard before', moments of pure reminders, moments of 'holy no way!', and just pure moments about life and everything in it. Because, we all deserve more "Hallelujah" moments even if we are dumb as a door knob or sheltered like a caged hamster.
Hallelujah moment #1: Five reasons why you shouldn't bully others.
5) You have to deal with 'authorities'
4) A voodoo doll of you exists--which explains all that pain in your groin
3) The bullied will end up being your boss and they'll make you pay then!
2) Karma is a bitch.
1) Columbine/Virginia Tech #22910 will happen
No matter how much fun we think it is, in the end, you'll pay a price. Like idiots, you all wish to only reach #5 and never #1; but it never works out in your favor, does it?
Moments Poem #1
Sad
bully of mine;
you died
but,
no one cried.
Dec 26, 2007
Tuesday Top Five on Wednesday: Return Edition
Welcome to the long demanded, never reprimanded return of the Tuesday Top Five on Wednesday! Each week (or when I don't forget), I will present at least one top five list on Wednesday for you to mull over, agree with, disagree with, or ignore completely! It is the Tuesday Top Five because alliteration is always fun. But I present it to you on Wednesday because Wednesday should not be shunned just because its the longest word of all of the days.
My Top Five Current Weaknesses
5. Bears
4. Large Russians
3. Words that begin with the letter x that aren't xylophone
2. Dakota Fanning
1. Bullets
Honorable Mention: Pain, sharp objects, women
Top Five Nicknames For Someone Named Wesley
5. Wes
4. Wessles
3. Simply The Wes (dun dun dun dun, better than all the rest)
2. Leslie
1. Westicle
Dec 25, 2007
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas to you and all yours. I hope everyone's day is going well and you got all the presents you wanted. And if you didn't get them, well then stop being naughty! Two lumps of coal for you. And maybe for us for not updating often... but this isn't about us, this is about YOU!
I will let our HJIC take care of the Hanukkah wishes.
Dec 22, 2007
Classic Ass #004: Story Time
Every Saturday, one of us will post a blog post from our past in order to let you really get to know us... and laugh at us. I submit to you this week, a little story I threw together a few years ago. It's grammar is bad, and the spelling is worse, but hey, this is me, going out there, for you.
The wind had all but died on the dark, starless night. Two warriors stood, not making the slightest move, just 20 feet from each other in an open field of grass. The one on the right was dressed as a common magician. His dirty brown hair cut almost short waving in the wind as if trying to escape the impending doom. Covering his leather armor was his torn cloak, blowing feircely behind him. It was a light tan with an almost flame like darker brown along the rims. He wore a firey red dragon shaped crystal around his neck. His blue, almost glowing, eyes locked on his opponent.
On the opposite side stood a tall, dark warlock. The warlock apeared to have an obvious advantage over the mage for he was much bigger in size and mass. His armor also superior to the mages. It was a dark black the seemed to shine when the moon's bright light hit it just right. The warlock's face was hidden beneath the shadow of his helmet, but his glowing red eyes were easily seen.
The mage was determined to win this match. He rushed his opponent, nearly blind, sweat and blood running down his forehead, one hand tightly gripping his staff, the other conjuring a spell. He took a few steps to one side, teleported behind the warlock and unleashed a fire spell so powerful and at such a dangerously close range, it cause his glove to melt right off his hand and the area around him to turn a dark charred black. A sulfuric aroma filled the air as the mage fell to the ground. It was over. He had finally triumphed over the evil that had plagued the villagers of Fisuka for so long. No longer did they have to live in fear of the menace that claimed so many of their loved one’s lives. Exhausted, he raised his head to the sky, but what he saw next sent a shock throughout his body.
It was him! The Warlock! He had somehow managed to survive the attack and now he was not happy with the mage.
"That was not very nice Reid. You could've killed me there boy."
"I believe that was the intention you bastard!"
"Tsk Tsk, such language from a boy. Well then, I'll have to teach you to respect your elders. Prepare to receive your punishment!"
What am I going to do? Reid panicked. He had used the last of his strength in that attack. He could not possibly continue to fight. He was done for... the warlock rush him, swinging his sword back, preparing his energy for the final, death dealling blow. Just as the sword was about to reach his forehead, Reid though to himself, it's over... I failed you... I'm sorry. Then everything went black.
Elsewhere, the daughter of the Detusaki family was arriving at the docks of Vanguard. She wore a brilliant one hoop dress with floral designs on the skirt. Lucy was in the country for extra schooling due to the insistence of her mother. Being the daughter of such a wealthy family had it's benefits. She had everything she ever wanted... almost.
"Welcome to Vanguard m'lady. I apologize for having you arrive at such a run down area," said a man in black.
"It's quite all right Gregory."
By regular standards, Vanguard port was hardly run down. It was considered by most to be one of the more wealthy places this side of Vanguard. People were everywhere, things were clean to the point of shine, and the air was fresh. The port itself seemed to have a cheerfulness of it's own. There were nine other dock apart from their own, all with busy people either loading or unloading cargo and passenger ships. Everyone seemed to keep themselves busy either through work or socializing with others.
"I still feel bad about this... but it's the only port in the area."
"I said it's ok. I don't mind. I like to watch the common people. They are intriguing."
She sighed.
"Now lady Lucy, you know you are better than them. You come from a wealthy family of rich blood ancestry. You would do well to not associate with the likes of them. You know how your father feels about that subject," Gregory lead her toward their caravan.
"I'm no better than they are! Please do not talk about people like they are lesser than me just because they don't have as much money as my father."
"I am sorry m'lady, but it is true."
Lucy didn't acknowledge that she heard him. She hated people being looked down apon due to wealth and status. Rank was something that she never understood.
Vanguard was a splendorous city full of well-dressed, proper people. Buildings of piercing bright white shinned all over the town. All of the buildings were huge, but one seemed to stand out more than the others. Lucy assumed that was the mayor's office. This was certainly one of the most kept up cities this side of Hetroth. Lucy noticed that Gregory seemed to be relieved to be out of the "dirty" area of the port as he had put it. She wasn't sure why he thought that. The port looked just as brilliant as the rest of the city. The only difference was that the people in the port seemed to be lower class or laborers.
Gregory seemed to notice a saddened look on Lucy's face. "Cheer up m'lady. You should feel extremely privileged to be able to study abroad. Only the most important of people are allowed such an honor." He said that with such spunk and sence of proud ness, she almost felt bad to be upset.
"I know Gregory, but at what cost?"
"Money is no object with your fa-"
She cut him off, "That's not what I meant, Gregory! I meant that this has caused me to move so far away from my friends."
"A lady such as yourself has no need for friends such as those scoundrels! You need to surround yourself with people must more civil than them. And look at this place! This is most defiantly the place to do such!"
Lucy shook her head and sighed. Why does no one understand... As she enter the caravan and they departed, her thoughts soon turned to the ones she had left behind.
Reid awoke with a jolt. He was alive! Was it just a dream? He looked around the room not recognizing his surrounding at all. He moved to get up but a sharp pain shot through his arm and head. What's this? He though to himself. He had bandages on his forehead, left hand and right arm. "I-It wasn't a dream! But... how am I alive? I should've been..." Reid shook the thought from his head.
He looked around the dimly lit room once more. To his side was a nightstand with some bandage wrap, thread, scissors and some pins. "Someone must've had a hard time fixing me up... I can't imagine I was in any good condition." Reid heard someone coming towards the room. He lay back down and just turned his head.
As the door opened he heard a soft voice, "Oh, I see you are finally awakening. You've been out for quite some time. I hope you don't mind, I took the liberty of patching you up"
Reid still couldn't quite see who it was. "Huh... oh. It's quite alright... Thank you. Umm. Do-"
"Oh, silly me, I'm sorry, I should have properly introduced myself. I am Velvadine Galandmyer." An older lady walked into the light to be seen. Though she was an older woman, it was apparent that her once youthful beauty had not yet left her completely. She had a few wrinkles here and there, but for the most part her skin was still quite fair. Her hair was a dark brown with hints of gray here and there. Her clothes seemed like they were at least a hundred years old, seeming quite worn from years of use.
"Um... Hello Velvadine, I am Reid."
"Just Reid?"
"Yes... I-"
"Don't worry about it. I can tell from the look on your face it is a saddening story. You don't have to explain."
"Thank you Velvadine. You apear to be quite wise"
"Some would say that. So what did you do to get yourself all torn up like that? It isn't good for someone to take so much damage to their body you know."
"I-I was fighting this warlock... Vladmir... He was terrorizing the village I have been staying at. I went to try and stop him... and I thought I had won... but it turned out I fell right into his trap... I thought I was done for but the next thing I know, I'm waking up in this bed all bandaged up."
"Strange indeed. We heard a commotion outside of our village so the men went to go check it out. When they got there they found you. Upon returning to town, they brought you to me. You were not a pretty sight. I have the gift of a healer, you see."
"You are a healer? Wow, I've never met one. Not that I can remember anyway..."
"Not that you can remember? A young lad like you shouldn't have a memory problem."
"Well-"
Just then a child ran into the room. " Mommie! Mommie! Is the man awake yet? He's not dead is he?" Reid looked at the little girl. She couldn't have been more than five. Her hair was long and dark with a shine.
Valvadine replied, "Yes, Jessica. He's finally up."
"Oooo! Hello!" Jessica waved and ran up to him. "How did you get so beat up mister?"
"Jessi!" Valvadine scolded, "Don't bother him while he's recuperating."
"Awww... but mom..." Valvadine shot her a look.
"It's ok ma'am. I don't mind. Hey there little Jessi."
Her face lit up. "Wow, you look like you were hurt a lot! But my mommie fixed you. She's the best! One day, I'll be as good as her!"
"Hehe. She's got quite a lot of energy."
"That she does," Valvadine replied.
"Would you like to see something neat Jessi?"
"Oooo! Really? What is it? Huh?"
"Hehe, see that candle on the night stand?"
"Uh-huh."
Reid pointed a finger at it and a tiny flame generated from the air and floated to the wick of the candle, lighting it.
Jessica was jumping up and down clapping. Valvadine just smiled.
"Woooooow! That was really neat! How did you do that?"
"Hehe, I'll tell you but it's a secret."
Reid whispered something into her ear and she laughed.
"Ok Jessi, go run along and play with Beslin and Tiffany," Valvadine said.
"Okay! I can't wait to tell them what Mr. Reid did!" And with that she ran out the room excitedly.
Dec 16, 2007
Child's Play 2007
I am horribly horribly late in adding this to the page, but I added a banner at the top of the page to the Child's Play 2007 charity site. I feel this is a great charity to donate to, not just to show that gamers have a soft side too, but also because it just feels good to help children in need. It is a great charity, and I highly recommend you at least check it out. They are close to matching the amount of money they received last year and with our help, they can do that again. Once more, I apologize for being late on adding that.
Dec 15, 2007
Classic Ass #003: Dragons, Magic and Excessive Spillage
Man it's been a while since anyone has posted. One this week. We must all be busy.
Every Saturday, one of us will post a blog post from our past in order to let you really get to know us... and laugh at us. Once again, as the glue that holds the writing on this blog together, I present you my second classic post. This was a little story I wrote called "Dragons, Magic and Excessive Spillage".
I wrote this story a few days after it happened. It was so unbelievable, I knew I had to immediately record it. Trust me, everything in this story is true.
So its July, a few weeks after my birthday and I was feeling a little low. Jack diddly was going on; there was a sense of nothingness around me. One day at work, this cute, cute girl named Megan came in to get some furniture through the finance company I work for. In no time, I found myself flirting with her. Now, I’ve been told I am a natural flirt, and I’ve been told I could have an eency weency itty bitty bit of charm, so if *I* am noticing that I've turned it on, I think I must be flirting pretty heavy. But she is reciprocating, so I keep going. At the end of our chat, we set a meeting for the next day so she can sign her contracts. The second she walked away, I started freaking out as to what to do. I was obviously smitten. Should I ask her out? Or do I not risk the rejection? The next day, I manned up, showed that ounce of confidence I can have and asked her to dinner.
She said no. She was taken.
BUT, she had someone she wanted to hook me up with. That in itself freaked me out because I had only talked to Megan for about an hour or so up until that point. But she was good looking, and I’m a guy (libido rules all!), so I said ok. Fast forward to date night. My date was a 20 year old 5’5” blonde with gorgeous fake green eyes (contacts) named Jessie Lynn (first/middle, not first/last name) that just moved back in with her parents in Bossier City (from Texas). The game plan was dinner at Ruby Tuesday’s then up the street to the Family Fun Center (think Celebration Station; go-karts, arcade, batting cages, putt putt, etc.). I’ve got a fresh fade; I’m rockin’ the gel; I’m rockin’ the contacts; I’m wearing this cool grey polo with some nice khakis; and dah-lin, I’m oozing machismo. My ounce of confidence has been multiplied by millions. I have a million ounces of confidence. A million. I go into the night thinking “first impression” and “if I fuck up, I’m never seeing her again, so why not have fun with it”. Boy did I not realize how ‘fun’ my night was going to end up.
Dinner started well. We introduced ourselves, I told a few jokes, I had her smiling. My ego, as you could guess, was inflating… until our waiter dropped my glass of water on my shoulder. He didn’t trip, he wasn’t carrying anything other than my glass of water, but somehow on the exchange from hand to table, it slipped out and right on my shoulder. I was doused. But I made a joke, laughed it off and I eased myself, the waiter and most importantly, my date. Dinner continued, and went fine… until, while cleaning our table, our waiter dropped her half-eaten plate all over her. She felt humiliated, especially because she could tell I was holding back a tidal wave of laughter. But I made another joke and eased the situation. Then, I did the cheap-o thing and weaseled out of there with a free meal, due to excessive spillage.
We went back to her place so she could change. She lived right by the restaurant so it was a short drive. I was sitting in the living room, waiting on her, when her parents came home from wherever they were. I immediately panicked, because that was one situation that could turn ugly quick. I was happy that they at least KNEW their daughter was on a date, and I was that guy, because random guy + empty house with daughter (generally) = pain, lots and lots of pain. But calmly, dad sat down on the chair next to the couch I was on, showing no signs of anger or malice. I was a little eased as I began to mentally prepare myself for the stereotypical, as-seen-on-TV “what do you want to do with your life” speech.
Instead, I got magic.
Her dad opened our conversation with “look what I found behind your ear” and pulled out a quarter. I was floored. He began to tell me about the wonders of magic. “Sleight of hand is the most powerful tool any man can have.” He pulled a deck of cards out of his pocket and showed me two magic tricks. I didn’t know how to react, so I just went along with it. Eventually, during the middle of trick #3, Jessie Lynn came down and stopped her dad. She was definitely embarrassed. She grabbed my arm as hard as she could and dragged me outside so we could go. On the way to the car, the conversation went a little like this:
Her: I’m soooo sorry. I think he had been drinking. My dad can be weird.
Me: Yeah, he is a little weird.
Her: You aren’t supposed to agree with me!
Me: Hey now, I only agreed because I know about weird dads. If that was my dad and you, it would’ve been worse.
Her: I doubt it. Your dad isn’t an amateur magician that likes to show off to his daughter’s dates.
Me: No, but my dad is an amateur drunk that likes to do hula dances for his son’s dates.
Her: (laughing) Hula dances? You can’t be serious.
Me: I’m not serious. (pause) He doesn’t drink.
Her: (laughing)
Me: But if he did….. (and I did some sort of drunken hula dance)
(While she laughs, we get in the car)
Her: Thanks, I feel a lot better. You really know how to run damage control.
(And then she kissed me on the cheek)
Me: JACKPOT!
(Yes, I did actually say jackpot out loud.)
-------
We laughed some more and made our way to the Family Fun Center. On the agenda there was go-karts, mini-golf and some friendly competitive arcading. We start with the go-karts. They were fast, fun and she whipped my ass. I don’t know if it was the karts having different speeds (which you know they do) or a natural NASCAR-like instinct that she had, but she lapped me. And I got to hear about that afterwards. But it was ok, cause I had planned on getting my win back at mini-golf. And it would feel oh so sweet.... except she dropped the ultimate bomb on me: “I’ve never played mini-golf before.”
?!? How in the…? How could she have never played mini-golf before!? But, I took that as the perfect opportunity for the classic ‘let me show you how to play’ move. So, still reeking of esteem, I set to slyly use this situation to my advantage. We make our way to the first hole. I did some cheesy ‘don’t stand like this’ poses that don’t really go over well, and hit a nice smooth shot. “See what I did, nice and easy,” I told her. She stepped up to the tee, placed her ball down and got ready to hit. I stood behind her contemplating if I should do the ‘get behind her and show her how to hold the club’ move (cause it's all in the hips), and right as I was deciding that I’m not THAT cool or smooth, she took a hard back swing…..
Right to the jewels.
I went down. Hard. Fast. I’ve been clobbered in the cahones before, but this clubbing couldn’t have come quicker and more compact. I had a lot of quick decisions to make. Do I curse? Do I grab my little buddy and shake him healthy? Do I ask her to kiss it and make it better? Do I ask for ice? Do I tough it out? Or do I talk in a really high voice to make fun of what happened? I, of course, chose the latter.
After brushing myself off, we finish all 18 holes with me DOMINATING! Unfortunately, every time I tried to gloat, she would make a “don’t make me nut shot you again” comment or gesture. So we had a good time making fun of it.
In a weird moment, as we were heading back inside, some girl shot Jessie Lynn a dirty look. I mean, it was a nasty, filthy look. I thought nothing of it as we headed inside.
So we started arcading. It wasn’t necessarily anything other than us trying to spend another 30 minutes to an hour having fun. We picked games that were simple (like skeet ball) to just get some more potential QT in. All things considered, all wackiness aside, it was going great for a first date. Near the end when we didn’t have any tokens left, we went to turn our tickets in. We had 115. Unfortunately, there was this cute little dragon she wanted that cost 150. Since we didn’t have enough, she decided to just go ahead and save the tickets and give them to her little brother. It was time for her to hit the bathroom and we would head back home. I had a different idea.
I sprinted to the nearest token machine and put a dollar in. I found the classic spin and stop light game (that I wish I could remember what it was called, I know you remember it, it has the little light bulbs that went around and had four stop buttons). I hit 8, 10, 10, 8. I sprinted back to the prize counter, turned in my tickets for the dragon and sprinted to the car to hide it. I don’t know how long she was in the bathroom, but when I walked back inside, she was walking around looking for me. I told her I ran to the bathroom too and we headed out.
When we got back to her place, we sat in the car and chatted. During the middle of a conversation about lord knows what, I reached behind her seat and pulled out the dragon. The look on her face was magical. I knew I was in. I knew the potential that we had there. I thought the night was mine. In fact, the exact thought that went through my head, “If for some reason this actually did end up being the girl I married, what a great story for our first date.” And even though everything was telling me no; even though my natural instinct is to shy away; even though you know I could NEVER make the first move; even though you know how absolutely scared I was; I decided I was going to go in for a kiss. I leaned in, closed my eyes, parted my lips and met her…
Plush.
I had kissed the dragon. What a dejection. My body immediately went numb. After such a wonderful night, I blew it by going against everything I know. I was a moron, I was an idiot. How could I even think that this girl could ever like me? How could I think I had a chance? My best is never even close. I was self-doubting, self-depreciating, self-loating, self-pitying…
“I’m a lesbian.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry. But I’m a lesbian.”
“Wait… what?”
“I’m so sorry Chad. That girl that shot us the dirty look, that was my high school girlfriend. She stopped me in the bathroom and berated me because she felt like I was betraying her. And honestly, I felt a little like I was betraying myself. I’ve been a lesbian almost all my life. I’ve had two boyfriends, but never had sex with them. Near the end of high school I just found I was attracted to girls… When Megan set us up, she had been hounding me about trying guys. She’s been my best friend for years, and has always supported me, but she has always tried to get me to try guys. And then, on a whim, she called me up and begged me to go out with you. She said, ‘I found some guy you’ll love. Just give him a try. If you do this, I’ll stop bugging you about it.’ So I had to. I just wanted to get her off of my back… I’m soooo sorry. I wanted to tell you. I should’ve told you, but the night was going so well I—“
“It’s ok.”
We sat in an awkward five second silence until I chimed in.
“You know, at least I can take solace in the fact that Megan thought I could turn a gay girl straight. I mean, that’s a compliment in itself.”
“And you almost did it. I did have such a great time.”
“So did I.”
“We can still hang out. I’d love to be friends.”
“That would be alright with me. I mean, if I need someone to help me hone my drunken hula skills I know who to turn to.”
And she laughed. We exchanged a few more pleasantries; she got out of the car and went inside. I sat for a second in front of her house in silence. It was a helluva night. I drove home, still in sort of a stunned surreal state, not sure what to do next. I pulled up to my apartment, stepping inside, grabbed my bottle of Makers Mark whiskey and poured a glass. For the rest of the evening, I sipped on my glass watching The Office until I fell asleep.
And that may be the craziest, oddest night of my life.
Dec 10, 2007
The Similes of Finals
The Similes of Finals is what you would like to call finals as it feels and pertains to you. What are finals? They're not just exams. They are more than that. They are pretty much what your life is, and in fact, they're this month.
10. Finals are like burnt toast, you were looking forward to it in the morning but it just have to be ruined.
9. Finals are like your mother telling you to clean your room, and you decided to do so but only superficially so everything looks nice but you stuffed most of your belongings under your bed. Your mother eventually decides to vacuum and upon seeing your junk all over the place, you get in trouble. In other words, please study so you won't have this problem.
8. Finals are like the smelly guy who decided not to shower or brush their teeth this morning to make it to the 9am exam because they decided to cram all night. Please, take care of your hygiene.
7. Finals are like ordering coffee from the new hip and chic cafe down the corner. There are so many options you go with your intuition. Yes, I bubble in my scantron - with intuition.
6. Finals sure are exams, but what are they exams of? They are exams of how well you read and how you interpret things. Thus, finals are like reading the opposite sex, you read or interpret them wrong and you get on their bad side (especially females). Finals are sure moody.
5. Finals are like rainbows (at least in my school). There are at least 8 different versions in 4 different paper colors.
4. Finals are like marathons. It's the end of the semester, the final stretch. You run and run and... oh crap there's next semester. Make this a decathalon until graduation.
3. Finals are the holidays. No, it's not because this occurs in December and we have X'mas around the corner, nor is it because it occurs in May/June and you have summer vacation (yes it's a holiday!). Finals are like holidays because they are special, they only occur once throughout a year. Just like the holidays, there is not enough time for them.
2. Finals are like playing football. You got a question right? SCORE! What? You're stuck at a question? Yea the question pwned you back a few yards. Well, this technically applies to any other sport too, but football is rather painful and I for one is a tiny gal so finals are like huge guys to me.
1. Finals are like fancy guys (or pretty women for you males). They present themselves in an eloquent, formal way with verbal elusiveness. They entertain you, capture your focus, and when you think you finally got them, they turn you down. Finals are like that, they play hard to get with your grade.
In the spirit of finals, here's a site Kura linked me on good eats for your brain during finals week: http://startcooking.com/blog/303/10-Tips-for-Healthy-Eating-During-Exams.
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